What we mean, what we say, what is heard, and what is understood is rarely what we meant to communicate. I had a friend who worked as a sound engineer and his motto, for all aspects of his life, was Signal Purity. He wanted the thoughts and images in his head to be transferred to the listener or viewer without any distortion.

I’ve stolen his signal purity concept because in an international marriage, Signal Purity is the Holy Grail, never realized but constantly sought. The "noise" of language difficulties and cultural assumptions makes clear communication difficult; destroys our attempt at Signal Purity.

Even with members of our own culture, we rarely say exactly what we mean. We often just rattle on, approximating our meaning, and constantly refining our message with body language and gestures, relying on feedback from the listener to deliver the real message. We have shortcuts, idioms, half finished sentences and slang, often so abbreviated that we would be incomprehensible to each other if we didn’t live in the same culture and watch the same movies, and read the same books, and eat together at McDonalds. Imagine the experience of your wife, without all those cues and shared experience. She is alone, and voiceless.

IS Communication possible between an American male and a Russian woman? Yes it is, and the best method of communication is through the written word.

Letters: Letters have the advantage that they can be read slowly with translation help, unlike speech which must be understood as you speak. Writing makes the signal "slow" but much more comprehensible. Must Russian American marriages count on the written word for important communications about money, savings accounts, doctors, everything that requires the clearest communication. You may find it helpful to use it even when you are married.

Writing a Letter to a Russian Woman: If cultural differences and language translation put noise on our signal, obscuring our meaning, then what can we do to make ourselves better understood when we write a Russian woman?

1. Write simple declarative sentences. Don’t indulge in double negatives, long compound sentences or unusual construction.
2. Repeat your thoughts using different words.
3. Write about feelings and about the simple realities of your life. For instance, "I love my dog Ralph," will translate better and meet with more enthusiasm from your prospective lady than your insightful critique of "banking during the collapse of modern Russia." So what else is there to talk about? Write about your house, your job, relations with your parents, cars, weather, money, music, movies, sports you play theater, dating, travel, etc.
4. Finally, DO NOT attach your word processing documents to your email. Copy all the text of the finished document right into the body of the letter you are sending. This makes a much smaller document that works better with the technological limitations of the ex-Soviet phone system.

Phone calls (without translators): This method is the NOISIEST method of communication. Very little factual information can be transmitted, but it can be rewarding. If you’re easily frustrated it can be terrible, though.

It is so exciting to hear a real voice, and realize this is a real person, not a letter from the void. As in writing, talk in simple declarative sentences. If she not fluent in English, SPEAK SLOWLY and allow long pauses in the conversation.

Phone Rules:

1. Speak slowly.
2. Save critical information for email, letters and attached documents.
3. Enjoy the sound of each other’s voices and stick to the simplest information.

I finished my first embarrassing phone call to Inna, finally reduced to singing Beatle’s hits. She understood those and thought I was an idiot. But from that time on I was her idiot. Get it? Take a chance. Even in an impossible conversation where no words are understood you can communicate. Tone, sweetness, patience, and laughter transmit perfectly.